Compulsory Naps

Anyone who's had a baby is full of advice and folksy wisdom. I have neither. I do have a handful of observations.

Everything is Normal, Nothing is Normal: it is close to pointless to read any of the books on what to expect while pregnant or when dealing with a new born. All the texts contradict each other and often contradict themselves. For example, while during pregnancy it is normal to experience high blood pressure, low blood pressure is also normal. However, talk to your doctor if you experience either of these completely normal symptoms. He will get very wide eyes, demand to know how long this has been going on, and why didn't you tell him this sooner because this could indicate serious problems. Similar issues abound with babies.

Flexible Wardrobe Choices (the Babies): I've been to places in the world where babies wander around bare butt naked until they are about 4 or 5.  Babies don't care about their outfits. The girls don't care if their shoes match their frilly little legging sets and the boys don't care about the relative coolness of their miniaturized skateboard t-shirts. I know this. Yet, I find myself oddly concerned about the spare outfits that I send to daycare: do they match, are they cute, are they sufficiently cool? Oh gawd, what will the other mommies think?

Flexible Wardrobe Choices (Yours): Don't become attached to a particular outfit. Chances are, it will be spit-up on, vomited on, peed on, or, on particularly interesting days, encrusted with something I tell myself fervently is not baby-poop. All outfits are now chosen with an eye towards spare shirts and pants. Never go anywhere without a complete change of clothes stashed in the trunk. The rare week goes by without needing the spare wardrobe. "Mix and Match" is my mantra for success.

A Whole World of New Odors: So one of the things I don't much like about dogs is that, upon meeting a new dog or hominid, the first thing a dog wants to do is stick his or her nose right that other dog's butt (or hominid's crotch.) It's icky. So imagine my surprise when I found myself casually flipping my son around and sniffing his butt to determine the probable contents of his diaper. This is apparently a very common parent thing.

The Fascinating World of Poop: While we are on the subject of smells: I never expected, at the tender age of 34, to have a significant proportion of my daily conversations revolve around my sons bowel movements. It's all about the smell, color, and consistency. Babies are such ciphers, and we make complicated guesses based on what few real clues we have: about half of that is crap.

Compulsory Naps: I was never a nap-taker. Some of my earliest memories involve staring at day-care ceiling tiles (off-white with random pattern of dots and almost certainly made of asbestos.) Lately, I drift off in the weirdest places. Some examples: while waiting for the kettle to boil, while showing my students a two minute video clip, during staff meetings, while standing grocery store check-out lines, sitting down "for a second" in a department store between taking off one skirt and putting on another, and while waiting for my partner to sort her cards in a bridge game. Naps are the evil overlords of my day.