Interpersonal interaction

The older I get the more I realize how toxic good intentions can be.  I generally believe that most people spend most of their day laboring under good intentions. (There are exceptions) However, because we are so wrapped up in our own issues, our attempts help others often backfire one way or the other. Most of the time, it's because we don't really understand what the issue is.

The reason for that, of course, is that most people are really crappy listeners. To illustrate, there are exactly two people, not counting my husband, in my day to day life that ask me on a regular basis how things are going when they have both the time and demeanor of wanting a real answer. There are another four or five who ask intermittently. (For reference when I say regular I mean 1 or 2 times a week. By intermittently I mean 1 or 2 times a month.) To put it into context, I interact with at least 20 people a day who are either family, friends, or coworkers. I interact with at least another 30 who are students per day. So on average, I get about one person interested in how my life is actually going for every 100 or so interactions (again, not counting my husband.) It's really pretty pitiful.

And I don't think this is unusual.

I just think that people don't know how to listen. I can't count how many times I've had people launch into stories about what is going on with their own lives before even properly saying hello or even as a direct follow up to their own question to me, "how are you?" I spend a lot of time listening. Partly it's my job. Partly, I'm just a lot happier focusing on others and their needs instead of wallowing in my own problems.

People aren't completely oblivious though. So they can see that I'm stressed. This leads to all kinds of issues. Because they haven't asked, and therefore I haven't told them, they guess what the issue is. So I get a lot of well meaning advice which doesn't apply to anything going on in my life and a lot of help that doesn't end up being where I need the most help. And I'm grateful for this problem. It's nice that people care. I just wish they didn't try to guess.

It's possible that it's gone too far and I've become closed off. However, I don't mean to be. I'm willing to tell people about my problems, I just wait for them to ask. I wonder how many other people do the same. I can't be the only one to experience this.

So assuming you read this blog, whoever you are. Here's my challenge to you. Find someone you care about in your life today. It doesn't have to be someone you are actually really close to but go for someone you like. Walk up to them when you have time to actually talk. Still all the things whirling around in your head about everything you have to do and everything going on in your life and ask, "So, how's it going with you." Then shut up and listen. Let them talk and give them all your attention. Sometimes just that opportunity to connect can mean the world to people.

Tomorrow, go find someone else to ask.

Repeat.