Rumination

I've been thinking a lot lately about life and lifespan. That time will eventually run out and there will be things left undone. I have plenty of time in front of me still, but still the sense that there are things that I will not manage to do gives me the screaming fidgets. This is not uncommon for me. I've been acutely aware of my own mortality as long as I can remember. My impression is that most people aren't bothered by these ideas until their mid-30s or even later. I was worrying over it when I was 10, or possibly even earlier.

So, life will end, as it does, sometime in the future. What bothers me, more than that is the ever present feeling that I should be doing something with my time. The feeling that I'm letting it all slip by somehow.

Which is ridiculous.

I'm a teacher, which regardless of official remuneration, most people would agree is a job that matters. I spend my days helping kids who have difficulty learning to succeed in a classroom which often changes their futures for the better. So what I do matters, and I know that.

I'm not sure, exactly what it is my hind-brain thinks I should be doing. I wish I did. I always come back to the idea of writing and it still appeals, but realistically, unless I'm both very good and very lucky, I'm going to affect more people teaching.

Also, why is it so important to my silly little back brain that I affect people?

Any way, I'm currently struggling with all this which is causing this pervasive feeling of dissatisfaction. It's affecting a lot of things. This blog for instance. Who cares if anyone reads it if it makes me happy to write it, which it does at times. Yet still, it bothers me.