Rumination

I've been thinking a lot lately about life and lifespan. That time will eventually run out and there will be things left undone. I have plenty of time in front of me still, but still the sense that there are things that I will not manage to do gives me the screaming fidgets. This is not uncommon for me. I've been acutely aware of my own mortality as long as I can remember. My impression is that most people aren't bothered by these ideas until their mid-30s or even later. I was worrying over it when I was 10, or possibly even earlier.

So, life will end, as it does, sometime in the future. What bothers me, more than that is the ever present feeling that I should be doing something with my time. The feeling that I'm letting it all slip by somehow.

Which is ridiculous.

I'm a teacher, which regardless of official remuneration, most people would agree is a job that matters. I spend my days helping kids who have difficulty learning to succeed in a classroom which often changes their futures for the better. So what I do matters, and I know that.

I'm not sure, exactly what it is my hind-brain thinks I should be doing. I wish I did. I always come back to the idea of writing and it still appeals, but realistically, unless I'm both very good and very lucky, I'm going to affect more people teaching.

Also, why is it so important to my silly little back brain that I affect people?

Any way, I'm currently struggling with all this which is causing this pervasive feeling of dissatisfaction. It's affecting a lot of things. This blog for instance. Who cares if anyone reads it if it makes me happy to write it, which it does at times. Yet still, it bothers me.

Insecure

I disappeared for a while, I know. I have been considering closing the blog down. On the one hand, I do like having the structure of writing each day and the book posts help me keep all my reading straight. On the other, I've been feeling lately like most of what I have to say is inane and that most people (who read me at all) skip the posts that I am most proud of i.e. the book posts. I mean people should do what they want, and life is too short to read things that don't interest, but it is pretty discouraging.

On top of that, it's embarrassing that there are so many grammar and spelling errors in my posts. Now, that's because I'm usually writing when I'm at my most tired and the grind of churning out posts every day doesn't help. It's not that I can't produce perfect copy, I just don't.

So, yeah.

I haven't really made a decision yet, but I have begun to wonder what the point of it is. If it is just for me, than it doesn't need to be online. If the point is to connect to other readers....it's not working.

*shrug*

The Boy in the Black Suit by Jason Reynolds

Susan brought this title into library and I pounced. I even retro-added it to the August list so I could dive right in. It took me about two days to plow through it. Jason Reynolds is a good writer. I first became aware of him at a NCTE conference where I saw him talk about his book All American Boys. He's a tall man and soft spoken. When he talked, it was clear how much he cared about the story. I was impressed.

The Boy In the Black Suit is about grief primarily. Matt's mother has died and his dad is in the process of climbing into a bottle. Matt's a mess. He's trying to finish school and he needs to find a job for his co-op. So he goes to the local fast food restaurant to apply. Only he ends up taking a job with the local funeral director, Mr Ray, instead.

Working with Mr. Ray, Matt has the opportunity to observe how others grieve and so he begins to heal.

I've read books about grief before or at least where the major theme was a grieving character. It's surprising to read a book like this that is so overwhelmingly upbeat. There is a love story wrapped up in it all, but that's not what makes it upbeat. It's the characters. Each has experienced loss. Each is at a different stage of the grieving process, and it's like they help each other along.

This isn't the kind of book I would ever reread, but it was an excellent book and I would recommend it to my students.

Book Abandonment

I have to abandon a book. Jodi Picoult's book Small Great Things looks like it is probably a great book, but I just can't do it right now. I have, for no particular reason and with no sense of purpose, been reading a lot of books lately on a similar theme, and it is beginning to wear on me.

Books like this are important, socially. We all need to be, regardless of background, more aware of those deep rooted prejudices that we are subject to and fight against. However, reading book after book after book on the theme has left me feeling pretty cruddy. I don't think of myself as racist, but read enough books where characters continually insist that all white people are in some way and I start to internalize it. I'm sure that I have been guilty of racially insensitive from time to time but I've been on the receiving end of that too. People have an unfortunate tendency to categorize and make assumptions and it always feels bad to get caught in that.

So, I'm taking a break. I'm pretty sure I will come back to the book, but it's a difficult theme and I need to process what I've already read. That will take some time.

Big Hero 6 - the animated series

When my students told me about "Big Hero 6" a few years ago, I thought it was the dumbest idea. I mean come on, it's a healthcare robot turned super hero. It's an odd idea, but in practice it ends up being a really fun and the movie is really more about a young man processing his grief after the death of his brother.  It's the kind of movie that basically screams for a sequel.

No luck on the sequel. Instead, they launched an animated T.V. series. We bought the first season and it's about what I expected. The animation quality is less, and the writing is...different. Many of the character nuances are preserved and it's still a lot of fun.

We'll see how it goes.

(I can't believe they brought back Yama.)

New Boy by Tracy Chevalier

I found this while browsing the new book shelf at one of my local libraries. It has been years since I though about Tracy Chevalier's books. I was still working at the library last time I read one. However, it's a familiar name and interesting subject matter. It's also been years since I read "Othello," so reading a retelling of the story appealed.

Chevalier recast the story as a 1970's playground drama with 11 and 12 year old characters. Osei (Othello) is the son of a Ghanaian diplomat who has just moved to a suburb of Washington D.C. and is starting at a new school at the end of the school year. He is the only black face in an otherwise homogeneously white school. Dee (Desdemona) is something of a good girl teacher's pet who is asked to help Osei adjust on his first day. The attraction is instantaneous in the way of elementary school romances.

Ian (Iago) is the self styled king of the playground and sees Osei as a threat to his dominance. He then manipulates his sort of girlfriend Mimi (Emilia) into helping him convince Osei that Dee is two timing him with Casper (Casio). Mimi, of course, doesn't realize what it is she is helping set up, but is desperate to be free of Ian.

It's a pretty faithful retelling.

Of course it ends horribly; it is "Othello" after all. Transposing it to a playground made it somehow more chilling but I wasn't convinced by how calculating Ian was and the sexual overtones that come directly from the play seemed out of place with 11 year olds. The final moment of the novel is spare in its delivery and ends with the act. Shakespeare also left us with little denouement, but there is at least a sense that Iago will be punished. As tragic as Shakespeare's Othello is, placing it on a playground with little kids just makes it even more awful.

Nagging

Days like this, I understand my students's lack of motivation. If I could think of a topic, I could write about it, I'm sure. It just feels like my creative centers are all shut down.

It's exhaustion I know. Ashley woke me up at 1 AM. I just need more sleep.

Darn cats.